Flush*

Ever just lose a week?

You do what you need to do, and you seem busy all the time, but at the end of it nothing feels DONE?

This has been a lost week. It’s not that I ‘checked out’ – work hours were put in and laundry was done. So why does it feel so vacant when I look back at it? I’ve been frustrated by the feeling of wasted time all weekend, and I finally stopped doing things, sat, and really pondered, “Why?”

Is it because I’m ending my week with my “To Do” list still full of items?

No – that’s true at all times, productive weeks and non-productive alike; it stays long because either I’m not crossing things off, or because each thing I do cross off reminds me of something to add.

There is a pattern in the things that are not crossed off.

What did I not do this week?

I did not take time to meditate.

I did not take time to write Thank You notes.

I did not walk outdoors.

I did not pause to explore new or interesting ideas.

I did not take time to eat slowly and enjoy my food….

See the pattern? They are all things that require my attention. Does life require I do laundry? Yes. Is getting a paycheck vital to survival? Yes. But while I took care of all those sorts of things this week, I gave nothing my attention. I was not mindful of what I was doing. Nothing I did connected me with people I care about; nothing I did furthered my goals as a person; nothing progressive happened. Every single moment was passed planning the next: next load of laundry, next thing to organize, and next obligation to meet. I did not think about my food, much less notice its nutritional value. I spent my workouts wondering about work issues, not being attentive to my body.

Even idle moments were spent reassessing my list, and the best way to prioritize it. Realistically, if you added those moments up? I lost hours to wondering if I was doing things the best way, instead of simply doing my best. Those wasted moments would have provided enough time for connecting with friends, being healthful in my eating, and getting some walking meditation in.

Time was lost because I was ONLY busy, not attentive.

So this week, there is no “To Do” list. Instead, there is only a list of things I will give my attention to.

*FLUSH is the title of a YA novel by Carl Hiaasen. I remember being disconcerted when he came out with a YA title – his adult works being very, well, “rated M for mature”. He succeeded wonderfully.