The Craving Mind*

I just mainlined a cola.

It was one of the small, glass bottles. And I can tell myself that it is a lunch substitute, but we all know what it was: a craving given into. I was hungry and thirsty, and longing for sugar, and the pop was there! Sigh

ANYWAY. I missed posting last week because I was at a mindfulness retreat, and being new to this whole Blogging Thing, I didn’t think to post that I would be offline. I apologize.

The retreat was about 5 days long, on a lake in Minnesota. I won a last minute scholarship that enabled me to go. I am still processing a lot of the experience, and hope to write about it eventually, but right now, let’s look at the aftermath.

For 12 meals I ate vegan, and ate mindfully. In some ways it was the greatest physical challenge of the retreat. Not the food itself – the staff did an amazing job of providing good, nutritionally balanced, vegan food. No, my problem was the eating of it…You see, I eat too fast.

In the USA this is something of a norm. In my work worlds we typically get one 30 minute lunch break; half the population seems to eat at a desk while working; the other half never gets lunch on time, and is so hungry by break that we inhale our food whole. This lunch habit becomes a food habit, and before we know it, all meals are consumed in less than 20 minutes flat. So I went into this retreat knowing that I eat too fast, hurrying my hands, and not pausing between items.

I didn’t realize I even chew fast. And swallow fast. And take a second bite of food before the first is completely gone from my mouth. There is nothing like being surrounded by 140 people eating mindfully to make realizations dawn on you!

Eat: Chewchewchewchewchew….

                        Dawning: Chew, chew, chew…

                        Reaction: Chew….Ummmm….Swaaah-looow…Put hands in lap…

For 12 meals I thought about my food before touching a utensil – how it had grown, about the people who tended it, harvested it, cooked it. I put my fork down between each bite. I masticated slowly. I swallowed thoughtfully. It took at least 40 minutes to eat one modest plate of food. I felt great! Partly because it was a struggle, so I got a feeling of accomplishment, but mostly I just Felt Better. Despite the unusual foods, I never had a moment of stomach disquiet the entire time I was at the retreat. Despite getting up at 5:45a.m, I never finished a meal craving desperately for a nap. It was lovely!

12 hours after I arrived home, I had my first ‘home cooked’ meal = processed turkey, a butter roll, and a mug of café olé bolted in under 5 minutes. I had to fight to stay awake thereafter.

During the entire 5-day retreat I ate one snack (a breakfast nut bar); there were no desserts provided, and I allowed myself a 1-inch square of dark chocolate a night…Which I did not even think to eat on two nights.

By my second day home I was eating half a milk chocolate bar after lunch and dinner.

The chocolate is around. This household has dessert after lunch and dinner. It has always been so. And it has always been easy for my elder mother to indulge – the heaviest she has ever been in life was 127 lbs, and it took eating full-cream ice cream every night for months to do that. And it is also easy for her to forgo, because she simply does not crave masses of sugar.

I on the other hand — ? When I was a kid I used to sneak into the kitchen and eat a spoonful of sugar – straight — on the sly. I blame the Mary Poppins song. (It is truly a wonder that I maintained a normal weight until this middle age/school stress/thyroid thing.)

Have I mentioned my mother expresses love through baking? And that she considers the word “diet” a synonym for “dangerous”? I mentioned my need to cut way back on sugars and carbs, and the next day found a tin of home baked sugar cookies on the counter and three packs of chocolate bars in the cupboard.

I need two plans: 1) to have healthy food ready that is equally easy to access as the baked goods, and 2) a way to deal with the very real sugar cravings that derail me when I get hungry.

So now I am making a grocery list, and have begun reading the book *The Craving Mind by Judson Brewer. Can almonds, carrot sticks, and a book, make a difference?

Stay tuned to find out.