Dr. Love*

Emotional baggage is a reality.

How heavily or lightly you carry it may be somewhat a choice. How it is organized, how obvious it is to others, and how obvious is it to you – all are things you can opt to make choices about. I’ve heard that some emotional baggage can even be discarded, but I admit I’m unclear about how this is done.

Emotional baggage is a reality, and if it bursts open the contents can impede your view, knock you off-balance, even derail you for a bit…

My oldest emotional baggage is my dad’s death from cancer; he was 48 and I was 7. I look like my dad, and I sound like my dad, and when I was 23 I had a cancer scare that blew this deeply stored baggage wide open. Everything turned out okay, but it did obscure my view and derail me for a bit…I may have even tumbled down a hill or two. Once I was given a clean bill of health I shook everything out, folded it neatly, packed it back up, and placed it where I could see it so it would not catch me off guard again.

Over the years, Life kicked the boxes occasionally – symptoms that seemed too familiar would rock the contents and spike more anxiety than strictly necessary. But I never smoked, by most people’s standards I barely drink, and I took up mindfulness meditation and exercise. I came, eventually, to believe I would live to see 50.

Ten days ago I found a lump where there has not been one before.

The baggage rocked. I found I couldn’t see my doctor for four days – and the lids started to pull away on the trunks. But I could clearly see it happening this time. I breathed; I patted the lids back into place. I breathed, and I found that my gut instinct wasn’t alarmed – for the first time gut instinct was not drowned out by the anxiety. I had to wait a couple more days for a mammogram. And then I had to get an ultrasound….

At every pause, at each period of ‘hurry up and wait’, the baggage would strain to get loose. At each twitch of the boxes I would pause, and breathe – and I found I could gently tuck things into their proper place. It wasn’t perfect. I was not able to study, and I found myself avoiding people for fear I’d mention it, and then any concern they might have could knock my own fears loose.

But it was amazing!

To be able to sense my instinctive, insightful, Self in such a situation was phenomenally cool! To be able to go about my general business – make my workout classes, and attend to my job – without being sub-par was wonderful! No, I did not progress in my studies. No, I did not progress with my diet. Yes, my socialization (always introverted) cut back even more…But the improvement over my pre-meditating self => AMAZING!

And I was given an “All Clear” by the doctors.

And now I can write again.

*Author of Doctor Susan Love’s Breast Book – until recent times pretty much the only tome for the laywoman to learn anything useful about those upper appendages, so to speak.